Dancehall Jokes

Terror Fabulous and Daddy Screw
One evening while Terror Fabulous and Daddy Screw was coming off a flex, Terror noticed that Screw looked disturbed so he asked his partner what was the problem ? Screw told him that he had problems with his girl so Terror turned and told him that "Lovermaan, a dat she want......".The following day while Terror was trampoozing thru downtown he stumbled in Screw's girl who was complaining about her love live, so Terror told her, "Yuh want a man like mi, definitely professional man like mi.....". The girl was taken aback and asked Terror why would he be interested in someone like her, Terror responded "Yuh warm and fabuloshous darling, yuh mad di whole a dem caw yuh charming, woman yuh a lead, yuh hot like pepperseed". By now the girl had a Colgate smile all over her face and took Terror home with her and warned him that "Action, not a bag a mouth, sweet loving mek di gal dem bruk out."
Terror tell har fi quiat and "Position, hold up yuh head and...." When pressure start to reach her she began screaming and pleading for Terror to stop, but he told her "No Retreat no surrender, mi naah lotion pet nor powder." This continued for an extended period and when it was all over she asked Terror if he was under the influence of some form of drugs, but the DJ told her, "A jus Jah Works, when yuh see....."


Mr Loverman
When BabyCham just came into the business he was so much in love with his girl, Marie that he took her to the studio almost everyday because he didnt know that entertainers were harbor sharks. At first he began sparring with Frisco Kid and General Degree and on one of her better days Frisco approached Marie and said "When wifey come out dem bush to the bone, dem nuh worry bout man cause dem have fi dem own". From her smile you could see that she was thrilled with the compliments. But General Degree told Frisco that "Man want a gal wi nuh fight fi get har, wi impress di gal dem with wi criss motocar". Frisco took heed and the same night he first Degree and pulled up at her house in his new Camry. But Marie suggested that she would introduce him to one of her friends because she still has a thing for BabyCham. But Frisco told her "Dem gal dey nuh ready fi di video light yet, but when yuh pass thru yuh know a instant death!" This time her smile was even merrier and a few weeks down the road she began to loose interest in BabyCham beacause he did the tune "How many gal get slam thru money, many many, manay many many". In the meantime General Degree was still trying to throw a punch with his sweetboy lyrics "Yuh figet a Robin Hood a mi name, target haffi hit bullseye when mi aim". As usual she ignored him but was more interested when Frisco said "Yuh want a ramacan jamacan all night long" because she wanted it hardcore, and through persistence Frisco got through on the DL. By now BabyCham was hanging on by a string and told Marie that him "Waan Duggu Duggu", but for the first time his request was rejected. Well depressed, the next day he went to the studio and his partner Mr Easy told him that "Strange things are happening, strange, straange", after which he heard from the shout that it was Frisco who was trespassing on his property, and confirmed it when Frisco did "Doggy style no gal caan duh like yuh, head top a nuh nutten caw yuh duh dat to". Immediately he approached Frisco and aske dhim how could he do that to a dear friend, but Frisco just turned to him and said "Think mi nice, bwoy like mi rotten, just thru mi smooth like a silk and satin, stay dey think mi nice, bwoy like mi bitter, anytime mi see woman mi skin ketch a fire"


Main Street Crew
The Main Street Crew was at a hotel ball and the Bashment Crew were doing a performance. Richie Stephens found one of the girls from the crew to be extremely attractive, and from his front row seat he kept shouting "Go Go cinderella" everytime they made eye contact. After the show they accidentally met up backstage and the girl asked Richie how was he doing ? Richie answered with his balladeer voice "Wooo the shape im in". So she asked kiddingly if he was in good enough shape to take on the Crew. Richie said "Bad bull inna di pen, mi naah guh run yuh coulda bring all yuh friend". Right away she took Richie up to her room. A few minutes later he barged out the room barely managing to retrieve his boxers. While he was tearing down the hallway breathless he bumped into Red Rat who asked whats wrong.......He shouted "She's a maniac, maniac....." Red Rat replied "Oh Noo", but Richie you should know "Dat girl, dat girl Shelley Ann, she gwaan like she nice an have one bag a man.......".


Shabba Ranks
Shabba Ranks was talking to Jackie late one night on the phone and she began to say to him "Telephone Love, Yuh Sound SO Sweet On The Line", all of a sudden hear Shabba "Mi dun wid the telephone talk, mi ah hang up di phone an come over dey now!", and so he did. On arrival Jackie was watching a talk show and the topic was about Transv esites. Shabba began to show some form of discent towards the show and jackie asked what was wrong, he replied "Send fi di matic and magnum fi shoot battyman, pam pam, gunshot inna dem middle section". She said it was a free country and why is he so ne gative towards them, but Shabba replied "It haffi kill mi dead, punany haffi kill mi dead". So she asked what was on his mind, instantly he replied "Winey wineee, Winey Winee", so she asked Shabba if he think he could manage the work, he said "How yuh fi say dat, yuh shouldnt even mention dat!" remember "I am bad mad and wicked inna b ed, wicked bad and mad inna bed". But she told Shabba "If a man want it him haffi pa y dun pon it". Anyway, he went along with the program and after an hour Jackie didnt shunt, so Shabba went "What a oman can wine wine, Jamaican girls can wine wine". As things progressed with sweat rolling off the Ranks, his stamina began to diminish a nd Jackie didnt seem to get where she wanted as yet. With just a little energy left Shabba could only sing slowly "Gal yuh good, Gal yuh good gal yuh good gal yuh goooo od".


Chaka Demus and Pliers
The above were being interviewed on a radio station in NYC. After finishing the interview, the DJ asked if they had anybody in the area to Big Up. Chaka D Big Up his people, then it was Pliers turn. Hear Pliers, "Big Up Marcia and Sharon, Flatbush crew .....you large, along with the Nineties massive. Dawn mi naw leave you out, respect to Bongo. Most of all a waan big up mi little son, him going to be 3 year old Sunday." So the DJ asked what was the name of his son, hear Pliers "aaaaam, eeeem, im name,........aaaaam,........eeeeem,......a what that one name again Chaka?


Pirate
One summer a list of entertainers were on a tour in the U.S. They were travelling on a tour bus and one morning Stitchie was having a dream. He woke up and realized that he could use his dream to make a lyrics, so he headed to his bunker, after which he started singing "Them get mi mad, madda mad, mad madda mad, madda madd madd maddd madd madd" so immediately Terror Fabulous woke up and asked Stitchie, what was the problem. Stitchie told him that someone stole his lyrics book. A minute later Terror Start to sing "Call di hurst, one more a go dead again" because his was gone too. Now Baby Wayne was on his first tour, and therefore wanted to make a good first impression, but unfortunately the theif didn't pass him, hear Baby Wayne "Mamaaaaaa................." By now the entire bus was up, and Lady Saw began to suggest that people should check Beenie Man because he is a notorious pirate. Same time Beenie start to sing "Maatie a nuh good sitten." So Patra start to defend Beenie and said that it couldn't be him. People began to ask why, hear Patra, last night he was "Pulling up to my bumper babee," same time hear Beenie again "Why a ghetto girl mi haffi big up an trust." From long time Bounty Killer already had his suspicions on Beenie Man, so the next night he tied a string from his lyrics book to his eyelash. In the wee hours of the morning, Bounty felt the string twitch, same time he jumped up with his coarse voice saying "A suicide or murder, dem come test bad man with dem yah brand new gun yah!" So the whole bus woke up, the lights went on , and they caught Beenie trying to remove his hand from Bounty's bunker, hear Beenie "Ooooohhhh Gaaawwwwwdddddd..........Lawda mercy hayyyyyyyyyy!


Buju Banton
One day Buju was walking downtown, and to his right Buju spot a sexy daughter, it make him start to sing "Walk like a champion talk like a champion, what a piece a body gal tell mi whey you getti from." So the girl told Buju that he was just jiving, that probably he sing that to every girl. Immediately hear Buju "I would like to be the only in your life, a want to be the only man, real quality time an affection." As the girl heard she began to blush, and told Buju that she really needed a man, but she wants one who is hard core because most of the men she experienced were soft, and couldn't handle the bedwork. So she aked Buju if he thinks he's qualified, hear Buju "Gal fi beg, whenever time mi hol dem inna mi bed, cock dem up high an sink mi third leg," furthemore, hear Buju again "Mi a di stamina daddy fi all di gal pikini, tell all di sexy body girl dem......" The girl was quite impressed so right away she and Buju checked into a motel. After they started the bedwork, in no time Buju pap off. The girl was very astonished and asked Buju if thats it, if he is finished already, hear Buju "I could go on and on, the full has never been told."


Bob Marley
When Bob Marley died, he was buried with his guitar. This guitar had a high value , and some desparate, heartless theives decided that they were going to dig up the grave, steal the guitar to resell it on the black market. So one night they went with their shovels and pickaxe, to undergo their mission. But as they started digging, from out of nowhere they heard a song "Old pirates come to rob I." They got scared, began to tremble and started to flee, then they heard "You running an you running an you running away, you runninig an you running, but you can't run away from youself." They got distracted, and two of them stumbled and fell, same time they heard "Get up stan up, stand up for your right...."


Mad Cobra
One time, as a DJ Cobra was experiencing some hard times, so he needed a new income alternative. Out of the blue, Cobra decided that he was gonna become a counselor. This made people suspicious, especially local authorities, who installed a secret camara in Cobra's office to scoop out his operations. Cobra's first customer was a distressed girl who complained that there was a guy who is currently engaged to be married, but is constantly making passes at her. She declined him many a times but he is still persistent. She asked Cobra what to do, Cobra told her "If a gal man a run you dung gal a nuh fi fault, tek him ,tek him, you nuh business at all." So the girl went and did just that. A few weeks later, after taking the man , the same girl came back complaining to Cobra that, now she has gotten the man, he is a bit shy and is taking too long to break the ice. Again she asked Cobra what to do. Cobra told her to tell the man "Flex, time to have sex, look how long you have the rudegirl a wait." So the girl went and did just that. A few months later, the girl who was engaged to the man began to harass her. It got out of hand and she came back to Cobra for advice. Hear Cobra, tell the girl that you a "Done wife, an you nuh watch mate....". The local authorities was seeing all this and said it can't go on no longer. So they barge into Cobra's office demanding some legal identification of his business practice, or they will have to arrest him, hear Cobra "Yush ! cause dat is badboy talk, come off a mi gun hand before the machine kick off !"


Bounty/Patra
One day Bounty Killer was outside Jammy's singing "More Gal ......" and at the same time Patra was passing by and heard. So she said "Murder she wrote an mi tek back mi chat, shuffle di deck mi a di queen inna di pack." Bounty was quite impressed and asked her ...is that so, but was ignoring Patra. Then Patra start to sing "Man is not a man if im a nuh wuckerman, man is not a man if him caan go 10 furlong." Bounty took this quite offensive and told Patra "Action speak louder than words ......" but Patra told Bounty that she was on "A romantic call." So Bounty brought her back to Seaview on his base. As they got there, hear Patra "Pull up to my bumper babee." Bounty did jus that, but it wasn't long after entering, Bounty realised that things weren't really satisfying. He began to stretch his hand across Patra, to the top of the bedhead, so Patra asked him what was he reaching for. Hear Bounty "Excuse pass mi celullar phone mek mi call Antonette an Simone........"


Backbiter
One late night Capleton went to a wake in the country. After dusk mosquito start to swarm the place. A dread come ....bam! an kill two mosquita that was on his biceps. Same time Capleton look pon him an say dat it is written in the Ten Commandments "Thou Shalt not Kill." So the dread apologise to Capleton. As hours continue to beat, mosquito start to swarm Capleton, who kept fanning them off with a straw hat. All of a sudden a mosquito pitch behind Capleton neck, below his shoulder an STING HIM ! Capleton come so BAM! and murder dat. So the dread confront Capleton an ask him, "how u fi do that ?" Capleton look pon the dread an sey....."That one was a backbiter, him fi DEAD !!!"


Who a Don ?
Everbody knows that Leroy Smart calls himself "The Original Don" One day him pose up outside Penthouse like any double six, on his Volvo. Same time, Gregory Isaacs rode up on his Honda 50 an shot Leroy one Bax BLAM ! it echo all over Kingston, then Gregory turn an sey to Leroy with his little squeaky voice...."A who a Don ? "





Source: Tha Riddim Connection